cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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