I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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