She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
