I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
