Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You were trust falling into bushes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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