im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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