just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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