It was confusing and full of hummus
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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