That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
