If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
