He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
