Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
