I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
