I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Text me some of your sweat
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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