I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
