He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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