Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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