im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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