WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
