I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
