I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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