I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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