Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
