I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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