Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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