we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
As shirtless as possible
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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