you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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