Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
