I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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