i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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