I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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