when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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