somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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