literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
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Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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