i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
sarcasm needs its own font
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
