Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
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Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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