I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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