bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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