I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
