Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
