he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
