my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
