i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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