I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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