i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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