yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
