I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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