we're chasing vodka with high fives
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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