She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
