Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
