i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
