My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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